ESCAPISM

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a goodbye kiss to my maudlin afternoons

I remember that night
.
When your head was on my toes
.
And I could feel the warmth of your breathing through the layers
.
of my very skin.
.
Was that our last adieu?
.
Or were you beseeching me back?
.
Only the sand could tell.
.
.
I strummed the guitar beneath my yellow polka dots bed sheet
.
What were we 213 days ago?
.
And what have become of us now?
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But all I heard was a broken resonance.
.
(When will my fingers ever learn to play with those wound 
.
strings?)
.
.
Sorry.
.
For the noise I created. 
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*for the guy who confused me about LOVE.

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coffee shop and a song

Who won't go for a great love story? Admit it, every time our ears catch love piece, even if it ends tragically - we are moved, we are mesmerized and we try to be recommitted of making our own love story last.

"You came along, unexpectedly, I was doing fine in my little world ..."

It was another ordinary day of September blue, or so i thought. I was dying of boredom witnessing the harsh droplets of rain cascading down the windowpane. Several times, i wanted to dash out and feel the rain, but since life was weary, i remained seated, enjoying my cup of now-cold hot cappucino. And there exactly where you came into my life, in the centermost of my loneliness. You rushed into the shop, the same way you rushed into my life. The first time i ever laid my eyes on you, i knew the feeling would be extra-ordinary. I was reluctant with the feelings at first, but i guess that's what you get when ever you fall in love. We exchange numbers, one date led to another; soon it became a daily routine. A day without you is as boring as plain rice would do. You eventually became a part of my system. You became me gradually.

Sipping chamomile tea while chatting with you every afternoon after a long busy hours of work gave me a sense of relaxation, it's not the effect of the tea, i know. It's the feeling that i was safe when you're around. We enjoy every minute, sitting near the window and looking out at the cars splashing up rainwater with their tires, and windshield wipes going back and forth, like grandpa's old pendulum. Making me dizzy about love, with the spell of your charismatic eyes. We were happy. Were so happy, it kills to think about tomorrow. Too late it is when the pendulum stopped and made me realized the world does not just consist of you and me. But you got me hooked. I already fell for something wrong. For i know somebody else' owns you, and that you love her.

I wonder if its love. i wonder if the feeling was ever mutual. i do not know. I even wonder why on earth you still wait for me, and why i still wait for you every afternoon when you know i could not turn down a cup of coffee with you.

“'Cause I'm not complaining But you see, you got my mind spinning …”

And so our love story continued, tickling each other ears with sweet sighs of nothing. We went out so much, those trips i would never forget, you were such an inspiration of every morning sunrise. Looking forward for every minute that i'll be coddled around your arms. I've been always inspired, preparing to always look cool so i'll be able to have all your attention focused on me. You even taught me of promises, and how to cling on those. But months later, everything was out of control and those promises, like pieces of broken glass, shattered down into my heart. Damn! you gave me enough reasons to avail of all the kleenex tissue packs that occupied my bedroom trash bin. You are a liar. Everything was a big messy lie! Why do i have t believe that you're in love with me, that i am special. That, it can be you and me, just to leave me hanging up on the thin air of love?

“You came along, at a wrong place, at a wrong time, you came along, At a wrong place, at a wrong time Or was it me?”

Frustrating. Perhaps, i've learned that not all love stories come true. And love is never fair. Never. The truest sense of love and being loved is but far from reality. Yet the magic behind it lies beneath a deep sense of whimsical enigma and no one has ever dared pass through it. Perhaps... perhaps... love is cruel. But all i want was to love and be loved. I can still picture your face as i walked out through that coffee shop door, out of your life. You were cold. You didn't even sigh a word to say goodbye. But i know it was too much of me to expect. Your coldness told me everything. I should let go of you. It was all over, I know.

After few months of deep thinking, i'm back to the window pane of the coffee shop where i had that kind of bitter sweet love. The coffee shop where it all started has no more the imagination of a bright sunshine. The rain has gone yet my cheeks are wet. I have nothing to do but just count the droplets of rain. The place where we once shared sighs and ended up locked with each other’s lips, is no longer our place to be. And this is where i am exactly writing this piece, right into our favorite seat, sipping our favorite tea, now lost its aroma. Sitting right after your table. Yes you're there but the line between the barriers of silence had taken you a million steps away from me. I want to know what’s behind those eyes, but the thought of her pulls me back to my seat>the background of our story is being played yet I’m humming a new tune – let me write some line , “I’m stronger now…. I’m not the foolish girl you used to know... it’s over now…”

Hey, I’m writing our love story – though it ends tragically, though the songs were never in tune, though it was a love that never was.

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BUTTERFLY CHARADE

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Even Shrek knows how to cry. (he did cry in the movie , right?)

Dear Mother,

Hi, Mom! I am certain you do not expect a letter from a stranger... much from a beast like creature, a man with a distorted facial feature -ONLY a mother can love, uh! i'm getting blank again!

I always thought of living a normal life, i mean a happy one. How i pray i could be an ordinary individual! But i am an E.O., mind you mom - this is how i call myself for several years.

I was a clumsy toddler when you abandoned me inside a telephone booth, still remember? A man picked me up and to my misfortune; i grew up with four querulous sisters and three bulky brothers, who considered me the jinx in their house. So i played the role of a male Cinderella. Eer... mom, a beast like Cinderella, like Imang!

Oftentimes, while I was growing up, I would wonder why i do have coarse and bristled-long hair, a terrible big mouth and an extremely scaly derma. No, i do not get a hump on my back. What i got is a pair of wide feet, very thin legs and an expanded chest. Now, mom, you've got a vague imagination of my horrible figure.

Some years ago, I was 11, and still in grade 2, as i was playing with my shadows at mid noon, some bully boys headed into my bench. They pulled me and tied me mercilessly. I could not scream for my mouth was spattered with muddy grasses and virulent stuff. I could only took a glimpse of them guffawing at me. There i noticed a familiar bespectacled figure who shoo the bad boys away. I was expecting her to hug me but all i got was a cold glance.

Mom, i was always persecuted. Betrayed. Repudiated. I was wrecked by people.

Then, one murky evening. I flailed the stodgy strait looking for a familiar bespectacled figure i often saw in my dreams which i know was you. Perhaps, i was just on the edge of venting my anger. Undoubtedly, it was all a vain search. And when i headed home, three livid creatures beat me.

Mom, i often slept with bruises.

Know what? I had a crush when i was twelve. She was the pony-tailed girl next to my seat. i always gave her "white rabbit" candies but she just shamelessly threw it away. She's terrified at the sight of me, even my teachers do. And most of all, everyone ignored me.

Every night , i prayed to God to let me see you. I wanted to know how it feels to be wrapped around your arms. For even in my most vivid dreams of you, i could not imagine being cuddled. I know, you're the only one who can give me acceptance. God knows, i've never been embraced. i do not know how it feels. I've been longing for you.

Luck enough, though. I was able to work my way to college. There i met a very lovely lady, my instructress in Physiology. She pretended to be a woman of wisdom and grace. A portrait of a woman everybody would admire, she reminds me so much of you , mom. I studied hard. I kept on stalking her for many semesters. Until one night,i saw her hopped into a man's car. I was lost. Out of my furious mind, i ran fast into her and grabbed her arms. "Beast, get out!" , she screamed.

Mom, i went home bloody.

February 14, 1996. My search was over. you aged a little bit. A wrinkled scar now appeared on your forehead. You were a long a group of children. I smiled as you unselfishly give your affection to them. Your face wrinkled more as i get closer. Is my face familiar? i thought you gonna hug me.

I could recall how my presence petrified you. "I do not have a son, please, get out! i didn't bear a child like you! Get out man. You are terrifying my students. " GOd! How could you do that to me? i just wanted to be hugged, to be loved. On my knees, i begged. The tears flowed down my chest. The excruciating pain buried deep into my nerves. I was a little bit - dead.

That night, i dragged myself to my college instructress' house. The bouquet of pink roses i bought for you must be for her. Suddenly, she threw the roses on my face. I begged for her compassion. "Lady, just hold me. Just hug me a little. Please?" She screamed.

And that valentine's day, 11 PM, i raped her. I thought that would make her love me. Instead, she asked me to kill her. But i didn't mom... God knows how i grieve myself for doing that. She killed her self. Mom, i did not kill your daughter. i didn't know she was my sister. .. my only real sister. I could not forgive myself for that.

I have gone so far, mother. I rambled around, seeking for LOVE. i do not know what it is. How it feels. Now, you know why i'm not ordinary. I am an EO. Extra-ordinary. now, you are aware of my abominable misfortunes. Please, do not hate me. I am teary eyed now, Mom. I hope this would be my last cry behind the coldness of these iron bars.

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you'll be fine.

I'm thinking of you,

Alfredo

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BLUE TEARS

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