You are wrong. This is no longer about you, and never about her. This isn’t even about us. This is about me. And how i want to hold your hands forever. How i write your name in the air and speak about you with so much love than ever. How i selfishly want to own you. And tell you to hold me and never let me go.
But then, you are right. The stars might never twinkle again. The sparks that people see each time our feet gets an inch closer, they might never be true at all. Same with the scent of the blooming flowers and the dawn. and the love letters. and for sure, my cup of coffee will always be cold, and its never gonna taste the same again. Yes. i know. My fault, as always.
tatlong patak ng likido na bago pa man makawala sa pagang balon ay nagawa ng takpan ng malabangkay na mga palad.
nais kong maniwala na dala lamang ito ng madaming bagay-bagay. marahil nga. marahil ay sa ganitong paraan ko lamang maibabalik ang kapanatagan ng aking damdamin na sa mga oras na ito ay hindi ko na alam kung kaya ko pang pigilin ang pagwawala.
ngunit kailanman ay di matatanggap ng aking hangal na prinsipyo hanggang sa pinakahuling selyo na nagpapagana sa aking kaisipan na ikaw. na ikaw ang lahat ng ito. mula simula pa man hanggang sa mga oras na ito kung saan pinaglalabanan ng aking mga kamay ang bigat sa paglalagay ng pinakahuling tuldok, tuldok na ikaw din naman ang may kadahilanan. gayunpaman, nais kong malaman mo na dumating ako sa lahat ng possibleng tagpuan. hinanap kita. naghintay ako. ngunit ikaw, ikaw ang walang bakas na iniiwan. kaya't marahil ay ngayon na nga. hindi ko na magagawang hintayin pa ang makalawa, o ang paglitaw pa ng madaming buwan. ang tanging alam ko lamang, sa ating dalawa, ikaw. ikaw ang unang bumitaw. (ang damdamin ni Christian para kay Amiel)
these hands.
they can write a thousand words of infidelity
and pain in the cleanest of ashen paper
they can blot every wall with fury
and beyond the pale abhorrence
because these hands
they are mine.
and these very same hands
they can score through each letter in a jiffy
and daub blissful colors in neon hue
yes, they can forget, exonerate the worst.
yet the palms can constantly wound without one remnant
and let you bleed until you lay down your arms on me
but they won’t.
for these hands
they are no longer mine
they are yours already.
take them.
say yes.
*written months months ago in a scratch paper and mongol pencil. hear me, hear me when i'm not talking.
madaling araw. malakas ang ulan. at di gaya ng nakaraang gabi, ngayo'y malakas na din ang hampas ng hangin sa mga punongkahoy sa paligid. pati na din sa bintana ng aking silid. at dala nito ay pangamba sa bawat ingay na likha ng pagbuhos. sabi sa ulat, isa daw malakas na bagyo na maaring sumira ng madaming buhay at muli, gaya ng mga nakaraang bagyo ay mag-iwan ng malalim na sugat sa mga mamamayan. Sa pagkakataong ito, hindi ko alam kung nais ko bang ito ay pigilan pa o hayaan na lamang hanggang sa magsawa. sino ba naman ako para utusan ang kalikasan? pero kung sa paraan lamang na ito magkakaroon ng pagkakataon upang marahil ay maisipan mong bumalik na lamang sa akin. bakit hindi? sabay nating panoodin ang pagpatak ng ulan at magpaanod ng bangkang papel na naglalaman ng mga salita na matagal ng nakapiit sa ating mga lalamunan, o pakinggan ang ingay nito sa bubungang yero. lahat ng bagay ay maganda kung andito ka.sana alam mo.
Buried letters of unsend feelings Keeping all the surpressed memories behind. Shuffled union of deceiving thoughts came rushing as you tried to ease the pain by covering all the mistakes Are these letters enough? i just have to stay in my illusions where i am with my hopeful fantasy Are you ready to reveal this feeling? For your answer, i am going to wait. Though i am too deaf to hear everything from you. i'll pause; until you come back.
freefall's note: The harder i push, the further i fall. well, you don't mind me being headstrong. but you don't want to sing along. maybe its trite but i can always be wrong. try not to be wrong.
There will be no more dustily sparks to ever twinkle again
My cups of coffee will be cold, and i
Will forever blame teranum’s chillness that stirs my every corner.
My sole will walk the grainy sand, and i
will be saved by the smokes from my parched lips
that will somehow keep the solitude warm.
And, i
Will forever thank the rain
for easing the fire beneath
the waters in my eyes
Soon, longing will fade
Yes, soon.
As the last teardrops of summer falls.
Freefall's note:
Natagpuan ko sa mga lumang gamit na itatapon ko na sana, nakasulat sa gamit ng table napkin at nakaipit sa pagitan ng mga lumang pahina ng aking college notebook. Ilang taon na ba ang lumipas? Tatlo. Mrahil apat. Kung saan o kailan o kung bakit ko sinulat, hindi ko na alam. Marahil pampalipas oras. Marahil para sa ngayon at sa darating na tag-ulan. Marahil para sa’yo. Paalam. Pinilit ko ang ulan kaya’t wag ka ng mag-abalang ito’y pigilan pa.
(babala: corney ‘to gayunpaman salamat pa din sa mga tao na nagpaunawa sa akin ng totoong kahulugan ng pag-ibig)
Sampung taon. Sampung taon na rin nga pala ang lumipas. Tandang tanda ko pa kung saan at papaano nagsimula ang lahat. Sa loob ng coffee shop na pagmamay-ari ng pamilya ko. Si Amiel. Si Christian. At, ako. Kilala ko sila, nagkikita kami sa school pero di nagpapansinan. Si Amiel, member ng dance co., from liberal arts. Si Christian, engineering student, campus crush yan. Habang ako ay kumukuha ng business management course. Madalas ko silang makita sa coffee shop namin, si Amiel ay halos gugulin ang oras nya sa pag-kakape at pagtambay kasama ang mga kabarkada nya. Si Christian, lagi siyang dumadaan para magtake-out at mabilis ding umaalis. Hindi ko na nga matandaan kung paano kami naging close, kung sino ba ang unang nag-hi o nag-open ng conversation. Wala nga marahil mag-aakalang magkakasundo kaming tatlo,eh. Ang alam ko lang, pinaglapit kami ng awiting “When I met you” ng Apo Hiking Society. Eto kasi ang paborito naming kanta.
Madalas pagtakhan ng madami kung paano kami nagkakasundo sa kabila ng magkakaiba naming ugali at personalidad. Homebody, snob-type at video games ang hilig ni Christian. Ako, out-going type, mahilig sa shopping at kumain. Samantalang si Amiel, ang hilig nyan ay disco bars, sumpungin at sobrang ingay. Hilig nya din ang kumanta, lagi nga nyang ginagaya si Whitney Houston, eh.
At higit sa lahat, si Christian, lalaki, ako babae, si Amiel, ewan ko, hindi ko alam.
Siguro ang pagkakaiba namin ay dala na din ng magkakaibang mundo na aming ginagalawan. Mayaman sina Christian, mula sa kilalang pamilya. Kaya siguro may pag-kasuplado at tahimik. Ako ay average lang kaya happy- go-lucky ang life. Si Amiel mula sa broken family, kaya mahilig mag-emote. Hindi ata siya mabubuhay ng walang trippings sa buhay. Pero sabi nga, opposite attracts.
Si Amiel ang pinaka-clown sa grupo, pag wala siya, tila lantang gulay kami ni Christian. Tahimik lang kasi si Christian, minsan boring pa. Sa aming tatlo, mas close sila ni Amiel. Kapag tinitipus si Amiel, si Christian lang ang nakaka-pag-alo sa kanya. Naalala ko tuloy ng minsan may pinakilala samin si Christian na babae, sobrang ini-scrutinized ni Amiel at mula nun never ng nagdala ng girl si Christian.
Masaya naman ang lahat. Pero nagsimula ang masalimuot naming mundo sa isang pagtatapat mula kay Amiel.
Kian, hindi ko na talaga alam ang gagawin ko, I think I’m falling so deeply inlove, pwede bang help me?
OO naman, who’s the lucky girl, huh? Biro ko pa kahit nabigla ako kasi sa limang taon naming magkakaibigan noon lang nag-open si Amiel ng ukol sa lovelife nya.
Si Christian… ah, si Christian kasi, friend. …- ang punong punong pag-aalinlangan pagsisimula ni Amiel habang ako naman ay excited na naghihintay ng kabuuan ng kanyang rebelasyon.
Matagal ko na tong tinatago, at alam ko ganun din siya. Ayoko ng pahirapan pa ang sarili ko o siya. Last night nga, hinawakan nya ang kamay ko. Medyo naguguluhan na ako sa mga sandaling iyon pero hinintay ko ang kabuuan ng kwento nya.
Hindi ko na kaya na nagtatago pa kami ng mga damdamin namin. Kian, alam ko na mahal din nya ako at nararamdaman ko yun. Uso na naman ngayon ang aminan, diba? Hindi na isang big issue.
Gusto ko sanang kumontra at ayaw ko sanang paniwalaan pero di ko nagawa. Masayang masaya kasi si Amiel. At wala akong magawa kundi maging masaya para sa kanya.
Mabilis na dumaan ang mga araw at di ko na din namalayan ang mga pangyayari. Tila naman walang pinag-iba except for the extra closeness ng dalawa na siguro ay ngayon ko rin lang napanisin dahil ngayon lang ako naging aware sa situation. Hindi ko na din nagawang i-confront si Christian about sa totoo nilang status ni Amiel. Naisip ko na lang, eh ano naman ngayon kung sila, mas maganda nga kasi mas happy! Hindi na rin masyadong bugnutin at emotional si Amiel.
Ngunit sa pagdaan ng mga araw, unti uniting nag-iiba si Amiel. Possessive, ika nga. Madaming bawal gawin si Christian. Dapat siya lang. Dapat kasama siya. Hanggang pati si Christian ay naiilang na din sa situation. Ang pinakamalala ay ng minsang magwala si Amiel sa shop dahil sa pagseselos.
How dare you do this to me? Niloko mo lang ako. Niloko mo lang ako, Christian! NArinig yun ng madami sa coffee shop at kitang kita ko ang pagkagulat at pagpipigil ni Christian sa kanyang sarili. Kung vocal si Amiel, si Christian naman ay kabaliktaran. Ayaw nya ng eskandalo. Ayaw nya ng mapapahiya siya.
There’s never really us, Amiel. Please, Itigil mo na yan. Yun lang ang mahina pero madiing nasabi ni Christian at tuluyan na itong umalis.
Natigilan si Amiel at tila doon lamang siya nagising sa katotohanan.
Simula noon, nagbago ang lahat. Madalang na ang gimik. Naging komplikado ang sitwasyon naming tatlo. Paran akong nasa pagitan ng dalawang nag-uumpugang bato. Kapag kasama ko si Amiel, wala si Christian. Kapag kaming dalawa ni Christian, ayaw ni Amiel.
Naawa ako kay Amiel, gabi gabi kasi siyang umiiyak. Di na nga din siya pumapasok sa klase at tuluyan na siyang nag-quit sa pag-sasayaw. Isang bagay na nakakapag-lambot dahil alam ko, mundo ni Amiel ang pag-sayaw. Eto ang naging kakampi nya ng mga panahong naghiwalay ang parents nya. Pero anong magagawa ko? Gustuhin ko mang ibalik ang samahan namin, hindi ko alam kung papaano. Pride kasi ang pinag-uusapan. Pareho yun ang nadali sa kanila.
Sa minsang pag-uusap namin ni Christian, naitanong nya, Kasalanan ko ba?
Gusto ko sanang sumbatan si Christian, Bakit mo kasi siya pinaasa? Pero hinayaan ko na lang na maglaho ang mga salitang yun sa aking lalamunan. Ayoko ng dagdagan pa ang guilt feeling ni Christian. Alam ko din naman na di niya intensyon na maramdaman yun ni Amiel.
Ayoko ng nagkakaganyan siya, ayoko siyang saktan, Kian. Pero sana naman unawain nya din ako, kayo lang dalawa ang mga kaibigan ko, nahihirapan na din ako. Ramdam na ramdam ko kung gaano kasakit para sa kanya ang mga pangyayari.
Naiintindihan kita, pero we also need to understand him, siguro sa’yo nya nararamdaman ang tunay na pagmamalasakit na hindi nya nakuha from his family. Hayaan mo, gagawin ko ang lahat para magkaayos kayo.
Pero sa isip ko, PAANO NGA BA?
Pero di ko na pala kailangang mag-isip dahil kanaumagahan, laking gulat ko ng isang bagong Amiel ang nadatnan ko sa shop. Masayang masaya ito, at sobrang sigla. O, parang ikaw na ata ang nagbukas ng shop, ah? Ngumiti lang ito. Nag-usap at nagkasundo na daw sila ni Christian, at isang deeper relationship ang nabuo ayon kay Amiel.
This time, it’s for real. Hindi na ako assuming. Maguguluhan man ako pero pinili ko na maging masaya para kay Amiel, ngayon ko lang siya nakitang ganun kasaya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko para kay Christian, maawa dahil batid ko na di naman nya talaga gusto ang bagay na to, na pinagbibigyan lang nya si Amiel. Ganun kasi siya, sobrang mapagmahal sa kaibigan and because of that love, he can give up even his own. Pero minsan naguguluhan na din ako sa kanya. Di ko na alam ko ano ba talaga tumatakbo sa isip nya.
Pero naisip ko, anuman ang dahilan nila, bahala na basta ang mahalaga masaya na ulet kaming tatlo. Gimik dito, joyride doon. Walang oras kaming sinayang, sinulit namin ang mga araw na hindi kami nagkasama. Pero may mga oras din na naisip ko na hindi kami laging ganito. Si Christian, makakahanap din ng babae na para sa kanya. At si Amiel... si Amiel, madala ko siyang makitang nakatingin sa malayo. Tila laging pagod. Kadalasang namumutla. Biro ko na lang, nasobrahan naman ata sa pagmamahal ni Christian. Minsan nga naiisip kong mahal na nga kaya siguro ni Christian si Amiel? Ewan, marahil ay guni-guni ko lamang.
Friday, desperas ng Valentine’s day. Siguro ay mga alas- 3 ng madaling araw, nagising ako sa ring ng cellphone ko. Si Amiel, ang aga-aga ay nangungulet. Sobra pa ang pagkaantok ko kaya pinabayaan ko na lamang mag-ring hanggang sa magsawa na rin siya. For sure, si Christian naman ang kukulitin nya. Pero after 10 minutes, nag-ring na naman, si Amiel ulet. Kahit inaantok pa ay sinagot ko na din, balak ko pa sana siyang sigawan dahil sa pangungulet nya pero hindi ko na nagawa pa – umiiyak si Amiel, itago man nya ay di pa din siya mapagkakaila sa akin. Tinanong ko siya kung bakit siya tumatawag pero di nya ako sinagot. Sa halip ay kinakanta nya ang paborito naming kanta na halos nalimutan na din naman namin- …You gave a reason for my being and I love what I’m feeling. You gave me a meaning to my life, yes, I’ve gone beyond existing, and it all began – nag-pause siya ng ilang second, tila pagod – when I met you. Kian, I’m so happy I met you and Christian, at bigla na n’yang binababa ang phone.
Naiinis man ako dahil di man lang nya ako binigyan ng chance na magsalita, nakangiti pa din akong bumalik sa aking pagtulog. Si Amiel talaga, weird. Sari-sari ang trip, siguro nag-se-senti na naman.
10 AM na ako nagising. Kakaiba ang sikat ng araw, tila malamlam. Tila iba din ang simoy ng hangin. Ayoko sanang umalis ng bahay dahil sabi nila, malas na araw daw dahil Friday the 13th . Pero nag-text ni Amiel na magkita daw kami sa coffee shop ng 8AM. Naisip ko, ano na naman kaya ang pumasok sa isip nito at ang aga-aga eh pupunta sa shop, eh 9am pa naman nag-bubukas yun. Siguro magpapalipas ng oras, siguro masama ang loob dahil napagalitan ng mama nya. O baka kinukulit na naman si Ren, ang gwapo naming crew. Hay naku, si Amiel talaga.
Dali dali akong pumunta doon pero wala naman si Amiel. Sabi ni Ren, kanina pa daw siyang alas-siyete dun pero di naman daw niya napapansin si Amiel. Tinext ko siya pero di naman sumasagot. Tinatawagan ko pero off naman ang phone.
Halos, isang araw na di nagpapakita sa amin si Amiel. Di rin daw nagpaparamdam kay Christian. Ano naman kaya ang trip ngayon ni Amiel? Ano to hide and seek? Si Christian nga, halos masira na ang phone sa pagpindot at minu-minutong pag-dial sa number niya pero wala pa din.
Alas-sais na ng hapon kaya nagkayayaan na kami ni Christian umuwe pero parang ayoko pa din umuwe kaya niyaya ko si Christian na dumaan sa bahay nina Amiel. Ewan ko, pero tila dun ako dindala ng mga paa ko. Pagdating namin sa bahay nina Amiel, may kakaibang aura. Di tulad ng dati maliwanag eto ngayon, madaming tao. Ano to, may party at di man lang nag-invite? Pero habang papalapit kami ni Christian sa pintuan tila unti uniti hinihigop ng isang realisasyon ang aming natitirang lakas. Nandun ang mommy ni Amiel, ang papa niya at mga kamag-anak, tila isang happy family, isang natatanging pangarap ni Amiel, ang kulang na lang ay palitan ng ngiti ang mga labi nilang pagal. Sinalubong kami ni Manang, ang katiwala sa bahay nina Amiel na siya naring nagpalaki dito.
Wala na siya. Hindi ko na naiintindihan ang mga pangyayari ang tanging nakikita ko na lamang ay si Christian na nakalugmok sa tabi ng isang sulok, iyak ng iyak. Tila wala sa kanyang sarili. Andun si Amiel, wala na ang ingay, isa na lang Amiel na tila payapang natutulog.
Ayokong paniwalaan ang lahat. Pilit kong gustong gisingin si Amiel pero wala. Wala na. Sabi ni Manang, matagal na daw itong may sakit, cancer of the blood, pero minabuting ilihim sa amin ang katotohanan.
Tila mga pirapiraso ng babasaging baso ang naririnig ko. Bakit kailangang maglihim ka? Madaming bagay ay pwedeng ilihim pero bakit ito pa? Para ano, para saan? Marahil para di kami mag-alala, para di malungkot. Para di kaawaan? Bakit nga ba kailangan n’yang sarilinin lahat ng sakit? Bakit siya madamot? Mas triple kasi ang balik sa amin,eh.
Sabi ni Manang, binawian daw ito na buhay kaninang madaling araw. Kinilabutan ako sa bagay na yun, hindi ko man lang alam na yun na ang huling pagtawag sa akin ni Amiel. Hindi ko maintindihan pero alam ko may magandang siyang dahilan.
Wala na din naman akong magagawa. Gustuhin ko man siyang gisingin at ipakita sa kanya ang isang bagay na matagal na nyang hinihiling – ang makita ang pamilya nyang kumpleto. Pero wala na , sana lang nakikita pa nya ang lahat ng to. At ang sa aking isipan ay tila nakikita ko si Amiel na inaawit ang paborito naming linya:
“You taught me how to love
You showed me how tomorrow and today
My love is diff'rent from the yesterday
I knew, you taught me to love
And darling I will always cherish you today
Tomorrow and forever”
Lumapit ako kay Christian na sa mga oras na yun ay wala pa ding tigil ang pag-patak ng luha, at sa impit na iyak nya may natuklasan akong isang bagay: Bakit ngayon pa, ngayon pa na mahal ko na siya?
freefall's note: (2002) a short story, which I submitted to my Filipino teacher, Ma’am Marilyn Teñoso, during high school days. ayoko sana i-post kasi baduy pero paano ko ba kakalimutan ang tatlong personalidad na bumuhay sa pinak-una kong kwento.
where's the mourning dove call? it flies home and the door to touch is gone. 'twas left staring at the jeweled blue tail of the night's comet with the promise that daybreaks will always bring silence in facing the longing beneath the rose petals in soft pink and quilted green thus, create rhythm to the soul.
but weeks after weeks night will come back again; and again, the mourning dove will dwell in the morning ferreting through the glistening fogs teasing its nose from the petals furrowing in the words to come back in the palm; and listening over each heartbeat of the hands that hold thy for it will be resting there - forever waiting.
freefall's note: people are so amazing. sometimes, they never really learn.
freefall's note: wrote this one sometime in 2006, and was published in THE WESTERNIAN ADVOCATE'S EKWILIBRIYO 2ND EDITION. peoplethought this was some kind of my lovesick poems. but, it's not. this tells about everything i have inside.
scattered thoughts behind the darkened soul. memory bank opens, and i hysterically pick up the pieces from nowhere.
with fake laughter that longs for space and a big gulp of that longed tequila add a puff of lights that drown into cold embraces, surviving still.
then, silence for the soul sigh, a deep deep sigh, deeper. soon, a drop of tear falls and it clouds the vision finally, pain has lessened.
and now, i kneel right before your coldness.
freefall's note: what could be worse that waking up everymorning without knowing what real love is. Not because you are born with innate vileness but because no one was ever there to atleast make you feel its marvelous magic.such a saddening curse!
"... the cruelty scarred along my nakedness... the reflection of theruthlessly night devilled the weakening me...oh, please... i hate the memory... i would despise the souvenir... that night... that night... oh, father...please.."
It was a dark, moonless night as i see myself walking into a nowhere path until i stumble to a certain place homing crimes and sentiments, an exceptional strange place, i have never been before where shouts and frights are all that my ears could hardly absorbed - the place where i met MJ.
mj is an 18 year old gorgeous and smart looking gal with such an angelic face - crying. i obscurely do not know how the hell i knew that her name is MJ and that she is 18... but i just know. My mind tells me, or maybe we've met before, she looks deadly familiar.
i tried to offer my comfort but she pushed me away. Her eyes were filled with sorrows and anger. I was aback, and yes, afraid. Her eyes were tearful yet the salty water couldn't hide the grieving.
"Come on, you can count on me, you can trust me, tell me what bothers you." I insisted of helping her but i did not know if i came up with the wrong words for her look became even more fear provoking.
"How come you do not know the answer?" Her voice was bitter as she burst into tears. I looked around to make sure who she was addressing those words to, but there was no one around except for the two of us. I was so astounded and puzzled and i had never been so puzzled in my whole damn life. I couldn't explain but there is something in her that made me reflect so much of myself.... and its in her eyes. Holy God, it made my heart melt.
I was trying to recall but i couldn't remember a thing. I was looking at her, i wanted so much to stop her pain, if only i could do something but... "Evil!" she was again addressing to me but i could not understand. i wanted to speak but my tongue served numb. A double triple damn to myself. The answer was right on my face yet i couldn't figure it out. I cannot understand. I couldn't explain a thing.
"I need my life..." She was horribly shaking but damn, i even wonder if she's out of her mind. Should i call a doctor or should i assume it was i hallucinating and was speaking with a phantom in a sort of uncounsious ventriloquism. "This is only an unusual intense nightmare. maybe, a panic attack. But NO, it could never be real, but as i opened my eyes, she's still there.... a stubborn illusion.
"I need my life", her voice startled me but i could not speak. The whole scenario was choking me. She's still speaking in wonder and fascination but nonetheless menacing for its hushed voice.
"... and, if i avenged... will i regain my life? I need it. I badly need it. i need my life!"
Until she was out of words and her eyes were fiercer than ever as blood flows everywhere. I do not know where it's coming from. It stained me.
"No... no.. no..."
Her voice bemused me but its effect was nothing compared to the paralytic shock that siezed me when i saw her bloodful, fleshy figure. I was stunned. I fainted.
I opened my eyes. It was too heavy. I felt so weak and i heard a familiar voice speaking to me - "i told you not to, why did you listen to him." I saw my bestfriend Carla weeping beside my bed - i'm in a total shock. Everything was all done as the pangs of guilt eats my very soul.
and before my bestfriend could stop me, i jumped from the 13th floor of St. Augustine Hospital. and with my imaginary wings pushing me downward, i saw him, father. I saw MJ... crying... smiling... i do not know.
freefall's note: the first short story i wrote for ADVO [2004] salamat kay DK.
it came by surprise like a blown fuse that suddenly fired everything around our silhouettes, masked ourselves behind darkness it made rooms for us at dawn amidst the querulous verity of each breath i was chained in lacquered intimacy but you were cold. you were hard. you were made of stones. you exhibit no motion and only my fingertips felt the passion marks on your back evidence of insanity sometimes, i run. only to realize that the ocean awaits to catch my tears - and it pains.
freefall's note:inspired by pgymalion and galathea love story. oh, pygmalion, how you turned me into a lovesick fool, i don't really know. haha.
He was the every reason of this poem. ngunit ang lahat ay nagbago isang araw matapos itong malimbag. Ikaw. Ikaw na ang lahat.
I remember that night .
When your head was on my toes .
And I could feel the warmth of your breathing through the layers . of my very skin. .
Was that our last adieu? .
Or were you beseeching me back? .
Only the sand could tell. . .
I strummed the guitar beneath my yellow polka dots bed sheet .
What were we 213 days ago? .
And what have become of us now? .
But all I heard was a broken resonance. .
(When will my fingers ever learn to play with those wound . strings?) . .
Sorry. .
For the noise I created. .
*for the guy who confused me about LOVE.
Who won't go for a great love story? Admit it, every time our ears catch love piece, even if it ends tragically - we are moved, we are mesmerized and we try to be recommitted of making our own love story last.
"You came along, unexpectedly, I was doing fine in my little world ..."
It was another ordinary day of September blue, or so i thought. I was dying of boredom witnessing the harsh droplets of rain cascading down the windowpane. Several times, i wanted to dash out and feel the rain, but since life was weary, i remained seated, enjoying my cup of now-cold hot cappucino. And there exactly where you came into my life, in the centermost of my loneliness. You rushed into the shop, the same way you rushed into my life. The first time i ever laid my eyes on you, i knew the feeling would be extra-ordinary. I was reluctant with the feelings at first, but i guess that's what you get when ever you fall in love. We exchange numbers, one date led to another; soon it became a daily routine. A day without you is as boring as plain rice would do. You eventually became a part of my system. You became me gradually.
Sipping chamomile tea while chatting with you every afternoon after a long busy hours of work gave me a sense of relaxation, it's not the effect of the tea, i know. It's the feeling that i was safe when you're around. We enjoy every minute, sitting near the window and looking out at the cars splashing up rainwater with their tires, and windshield wipes going back and forth, like grandpa's old pendulum. Making me dizzy about love, with the spell of your charismatic eyes. We were happy. Were so happy, it kills to think about tomorrow. Too late it is when the pendulum stopped and made me realized the world does not just consist of you and me. But you got me hooked. I already fell for something wrong. For i know somebody else' owns you, and that you love her.
I wonder if its love. i wonder if the feeling was ever mutual. i do not know. I even wonder why on earth you still wait for me, and why i still wait for you every afternoon when you know i could not turn down a cup of coffee with you.
“'Cause I'm not complaining But you see, you got my mind spinning …”
And so our love story continued, tickling each other ears with sweet sighs of nothing. We went out so much, those trips i would never forget, you were such an inspiration of every morning sunrise. Looking forward for every minute that i'll be coddled around your arms. I've been always inspired, preparing to always look cool so i'll be able to have all your attention focused on me. You even taught me of promises, and how to cling on those. But months later, everything was out of control and those promises, like pieces of broken glass, shattered down into my heart. Damn! you gave me enough reasons to avail of all the kleenex tissue packs that occupied my bedroom trash bin. You are a liar. Everything was a big messy lie! Why do i have t believe that you're in love with me, that i am special. That, it can be you and me, just to leave me hanging up on the thin air of love?
“You came along, at a wrong place, at a wrong time, you came along, At a wrong place, at a wrong time Or was it me?”
Frustrating. Perhaps, i've learned that not all love stories come true. And love is never fair. Never. The truest sense of love and being loved is but far from reality. Yet the magic behind it lies beneath a deep sense of whimsical enigma and no one has ever dared pass through it. Perhaps... perhaps... love is cruel. But all i want was to love and be loved. I can still picture your face as i walked out through that coffee shop door, out of your life. You were cold. You didn't even sigh a word to say goodbye. But i know it was too much of me to expect. Your coldness told me everything. I should let go of you. It was all over, I know.
After few months of deep thinking, i'm back to the window pane of the coffee shop where i had that kind of bitter sweet love. The coffee shop where it all started has no more the imagination of a bright sunshine. The rain has gone yet my cheeks are wet. I have nothing to do but just count the droplets of rain. The place where we once shared sighs and ended up locked with each other’s lips, is no longer our place to be. And this is where i am exactly writing this piece, right into our favorite seat, sipping our favorite tea, now lost its aroma. Sitting right after your table. Yes you're there but the line between the barriers of silence had taken you a million steps away from me. I want to know what’s behind those eyes, but the thought of her pulls me back to my seat>the background of our story is being played yet I’m humming a new tune – let me write some line , “I’m stronger now…. I’m not the foolish girl you used to know... it’s over now…”
Hey, I’m writing our love story – though it ends tragically, though the songs were never in tune, though it was a love that never was.
Hi, Mom! I am certain you do not expect a letter from a stranger... much from a beast like creature, a man with a distorted facial feature -ONLY a mother can love, uh! i'm getting blank again!
I always thought of living a normal life, i mean a happy one. How i pray i could be an ordinary individual! But i am an E.O., mind you mom - this is how i call myself for several years.
I was a clumsy toddler when you abandoned me inside a telephone booth, still remember? A man picked me up and to my misfortune; i grew up with four querulous sisters and three bulky brothers, who considered me the jinx in their house. So i played the role of a male Cinderella. Eer... mom, a beast like Cinderella, like Imang!
Oftentimes, while I was growing up, I would wonder why i do have coarse and bristled-long hair, a terrible big mouth and an extremely scaly derma. No, i do not get a hump on my back. What i got is a pair of wide feet, very thin legs and an expanded chest. Now, mom, you've got a vague imagination of my horrible figure.
Some years ago, I was 11, and still in grade 2, as i was playing with my shadows at mid noon, some bully boys headed into my bench. They pulled me and tied me mercilessly. I could not scream for my mouth was spattered with muddy grasses and virulent stuff. I could only took a glimpse of them guffawing at me. There i noticed a familiar bespectacled figure who shoo the bad boys away. I was expecting her to hug me but all i got was a cold glance.
Mom, i was always persecuted. Betrayed. Repudiated. I was wrecked by people.
Then, one murky evening. I flailed the stodgy strait looking for a familiar bespectacled figure i often saw in my dreams which i know was you. Perhaps, i was just on the edge of venting my anger. Undoubtedly, it was all a vain search. And when i headed home, three livid creatures beat me.
Mom, i often slept with bruises.
Know what? I had a crush when i was twelve. She was the pony-tailed girl next to my seat. i always gave her "white rabbit" candies but she just shamelessly threw it away. She's terrified at the sight of me, even my teachers do. And most of all, everyone ignored me.
Every night , i prayed to God to let me see you. I wanted to know how it feels to be wrapped around your arms. For even in my most vivid dreams of you, i could not imagine being cuddled. I know, you're the only one who can give me acceptance. God knows, i've never been embraced. i do not know how it feels. I've been longing for you.
Luck enough, though. I was able to work my way to college. There i met a very lovely lady, my instructress in Physiology. She pretended to be a woman of wisdom and grace. A portrait of a woman everybody would admire, she reminds me so much of you , mom. I studied hard. I kept on stalking her for many semesters. Until one night,i saw her hopped into a man's car. I was lost. Out of my furious mind, i ran fast into her and grabbed her arms. "Beast, get out!" , she screamed.
Mom, i went home bloody.
February 14, 1996. My search was over. you aged a little bit. A wrinkled scar now appeared on your forehead. You were a long a group of children. I smiled as you unselfishly give your affection to them. Your face wrinkled more as i get closer. Is my face familiar? i thought you gonna hug me.
I could recall how my presence petrified you. "I do not have a son, please, get out! i didn't bear a child like you! Get out man. You are terrifying my students. " GOd! How could you do that to me? i just wanted to be hugged, to be loved. On my knees, i begged. The tears flowed down my chest. The excruciating pain buried deep into my nerves. I was a little bit - dead.
That night, i dragged myself to my college instructress' house. The bouquet of pink roses i bought for you must be for her. Suddenly, she threw the roses on my face. I begged for her compassion. "Lady, just hold me. Just hug me a little. Please?" She screamed.
And that valentine's day, 11 PM, i raped her. I thought that would make her love me. Instead, she asked me to kill her. But i didn't mom... God knows how i grieve myself for doing that. She killed her self. Mom, i did not kill your daughter. i didn't know she was my sister. .. my only real sister. I could not forgive myself for that.
I have gone so far, mother. I rambled around, seeking for LOVE. i do not know what it is. How it feels. Now, you know why i'm not ordinary. I am an EO. Extra-ordinary. now, you are aware of my abominable misfortunes. Please, do not hate me. I am teary eyed now, Mom. I hope this would be my last cry behind the coldness of these iron bars.
Dahil bunga ako ng isang pagkakamali.
it was i who faked the sunset
